My Weight Story

All my life I have been an average size. You know, not skinny but not fat. Just average. I started comparing my body to other girls around middle school. I would notice that I had a little stomach pooch, or fupa some would call it, and wider hips than the other girls. I never saw these stomach pooches on any of the celebrities I idolized, so I just immediately thought I was different. Fatter and in turn, less attractive. The fact that I literally didn’t have a boyfriend until college or have any boy ask me out on a date didn't help either, but that’s a separate story.

I didn’t fluctuate in weight or focus on my weight until my freshman year of college. Like many others, I gained the freshman 15. However, I can confidently say I didn’t notice the amount of weight I gained until after the fact. I just was having so much fun and in such a happy state with all the friends I was making and having all these parties and things to go to. I was finally popular!

My sophomore year I began to feel really down about my body though. I was eating better, but not great because college. I even started going to yoga classes and doing the elliptical at the gym because I literally did not know what else I could do there. Slowly, I was losing weight but I didn't realize it at the time. I was still dressing and acting as if I still had my freshman year body. It wasn't until later on when I physically noticed a difference in my weight from the end of freshman year to the end of sophomore year.

I kept a pretty consistent weight throughout the rest of college, although I was still self conscious. I didn’t wear skimpy outfits and did not feel comfortable in a bikini without a coverup. Although looking back now my body was in pretty good shape, all things considered.

Fast forward to the first two years after college. I got a job in NYC almost immediately after graduation. What most people don’t tell you about your first big girl job is it will most likely be hard as hell. I jumped into the first position offered to me and ended up hating it. This job was very stressful and I felt completely alone. With each exhausting day my motivation was just not there to do anything before or after work. I just wanted to lay on the couch and drink cheap wine. Pair that with only making pasta or grilled cheese, and you’ve got an unhealthy lifestyle. To no one's surprise, I gained weight again. But this time I really did feel shitty about it.

Months passed, and I finally got a job at a different company. Only thing is, it was 10 times more stressful and time consuming than the previous job. Eventually I got to a point where I was constantly stressed out and constantly feeling bad about my body, so I figured whatever will help, why not give it a shot. This was around the time where most podcasts were promoting ClassPass so I downloaded the app and booked my first class as part of the free first month they give you. It was a yoga class, and I had been to other yoga classes before so it wasn't that scary. I did the class and survived. Then booked my next class for something different. For a few months I would browse the classes on ClassPass and try out everything I could. I booked classes early in the morning and late at night, whenever I could squeeze in the time. I would even book 2 classes a day and classes early morning on the weekends. All the excuses I had told myself in the past went straight out the window. Because I had already paid for the class in advanced I had to go, and this tactic really helped jumpstart my *FiTnEss JouRnEy*.

Around Fall time I made the decision to get a *gasp* Gym Membership. My boyfriend started going to the gym so again, I didn't have the excuse to not go as well. Before my first day working out at the gym I downloaded a day by day Gym Guide from an Instagrammer I trusted. This guide layed out which exercises to do, how to do them, and for how long. It took all the guesswork out of it and said “this is what you need to do today.” Without this guide I would have never gone to gym, or would have gone once, been too scared or unsure of myself and left immediately. Having a guide really helped me out, especially since the gym was a place I had feared for so long. As I went through these guides day by day and week by week I became more comfortable at the gym. I would be able to be the only woman in the free weight section and feel comfortable because I knew what I was doing. It felt so empowering to feel and see yourself getting stronger as each day went by. I grew to love going to the gym which is so strange considering months prior I could not step foot in one.

December of 2019 I was feeling really good about my progress. I looked and felt healthier. I even bought all new bikinis for my upcoming trip to Cayman Island. This is huge for me because I never remember a time when I felt confident in a bikini. Most of the time I would either wear a one-piece or a coverup at the beach. But this was the first time I was feeling confident in my own skin and it felt amazing. And then, I took a few pictures. Once I took a photo of myself in said bikini that I was feeling hot in, I immediately went back to hating my body. It is so weird how you view yourself one way in the mirror, and then when you take a photo of yourself it looks completely different.

Once the vacation and holiday season ended I went full force on the “healthy” lifestyle. I had a wedding to go to in March and wanted to look my best. So I decided to try out Whole 30. Whole 30 is so hard, especially if you jump right into it. You basically can only eat fruits and vegetables for a month. Spoiler alert: I didn't make it. And I felt guilty that I couldn't make it. I continued to restrict myself throughout the work week and then proceed to eat and drink everything in sight once Friday hit.

Then Covid hit and everything I was doing went out the window. I was no longer working out every morning, no longer restricting throughout the work week, and no longer going out with friends during the weekend. My boyfriend and I moved back to the suburbs where our families are and just stayed there for a few months. This time was especially tough for me because I was furloughed from my job and had nothing to do. Everyday was the same. I lost all motivation for doing anything. I was physically surviving but not living.

There were a few times during quarantine where I would be on a workout kick, but then I would feel unmotivated one day and completely fall out of it. Fast forward to now, and I am still in this limbo. I got a Peloton in August and went in waves of riding it every day, to not even touching it for a month. I go in and out of loving working out, to hating working out. I am also at a point where I physically notice my body getting bigger, and I hate it. But, that's okay. We are going to go through waves during life. Our weight will fluctuate, and we will have rolls in our stomach. And it is okay.

Right now I am learning to love and respect my body. I am by no means at a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin, but I am taking small steps each day. Learning to respect your body is the first step. To respect your body is to give it healthy nutrients to last throughout the day. Giving it rest. Giving it grace. This week I will have my first meeting with my nutritionist and I couldn't be more excited. I am hopeful that I will learn to love my body with each session that passes. This is only the beginning of my health journey and I am excited to bring you along. I hope I can inspire you to start loving your body as well because each body is strong and powerful, and that’s a beautiful thing.